Alcoholism and marriage problems often build for years before anyone talks about them.
When someone has alcohol dependence, their drinking can start to come first. Everyday things change, like who looks after the children and what gets said after the first drink.
Partners usually notice alcohol and marriage problems before anyone else, because they see them up close. Other family members and the person who drinks may each have a different view of the same marriage. Some live with the drinking every day, and some feel the strain from a distance.
Alcohol dependence is a medical condition, and it changes how a person behaves. Once you know how dependence changes a person, it’s easier to see what’s happening in the marriage and what to do next.
What does alcohol dependence do to a marriage?
Alcohol dependence causes a person to keep drinking even when it harms their health or their family. They often want to stop and can’t, so promises to cut down get broken again and again. Each broken promise costs some trust, but understanding alcohol addiction can help a partner see why the promises keep breaking.
As alcohol dependence develops, couples begin to plan evenings and weekends around drinking. Partners learn which topics to avoid and which times of day are safer for talking. Hidden drinking damages trust further, because the partner can’t be sure what’s true.
Recognising the signs of secret drinking often gives a partner their first clear picture of what has been going on.
Emotional unavailability
A person with alcohol dependence can seem distant or short-tempered with their partner. Part of the reason is what long-term drinking does to the brain.
The US National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) says alcohol activates the brain’s reward system and reduces activity in the parts of the brain that handle stress and anxiety.
With dependence, though, a person gets less pleasure from drinking, and the brain’s stress response stays more active.
When someone stops drinking, they often feel irritable and anxious, and these feelings can continue after the first days of withdrawal.
Financial and practical strain in an alcoholic marriage
Money gets harder to track as more of it goes on drinking. Missed bills and unexplained spending are often the first signs of alcohol ruining marriage finances.
One partner can end up running the household and covering for what the other misses. That partner often has less energy left for their own life.
Can a marriage survive alcoholism?
A marriage can survive alcoholism, though nobody can promise it will. A lot depends on whether the person with dependence gets treatment and stays with it. Many people have setbacks in recovery, and good treatment helps them prepare for that. The other big question is trust, including how far the drinking has damaged it and whether you both want to rebuild it.
Whether you stay or leave is your decision, and no one can tell you what the right choice is. You can get support for yourself whether or not the person gets treatment.
If there’s violence, your safety comes before everything else.
“Addictive behaviours are not the problem itself, but a meaningful response to deeper pain, and that with the right support, those patterns can be understood, softened, and ultimately changed.”
Am I enabling my partner’s drinking?
Enabling is any response that can make it easier for the drinking to continue, such as covering for it or making excuses. This can be common.
Doing so becomes enabling when it protects the person from what the drinking causes. Many partners do some enabling, and that doesn’t make them the cause of the drinking.
It’s natural to work harder to hold things together. A partner doing this might say “my husband’s drinking is ruining our marriage” or “my wife drinking is ruining our marriage”. Partners who put the person who drinks ahead of their own needs are sometimes labelled co-dependent, though the term isn’t a formal diagnosis.
At Castle Health, we see addiction as a no-fault illness. You didn’t cause it, and you aren’t responsible for the drinking or for your partner’s recovery. With support, you can change how you respond to drinking.
Our family therapy is part of our Family Support Programme, and it’s available online.
When to seek help for alcohol and marriage problems
These signs can mean the marriage has moved past what two people can manage alone. They apply to partners and to anyone close to the marriage.
- Covering for the drinking has become routine.
- Money has gone missing, or there are debts you didn’t know about.
- The same argument about drinking keeps coming back, and nothing changes.
- Children are asking questions or behaving differently.
- You’ve stopped telling anyone what’s going on.
- You feel unsafe because of threats or violence.
NHS guidance on domestic abuse lists where to get help, including for men and for those identifying to be within the LGBTQIA+ community.
If you’re in immediate danger, call 999 or 112.
How to get help
There’s help for you, and there’s help for the person who drinks, and either of you can start without the other.
Our Family Support Programme includes online support for relatives who want help for themselves. We also offer couples therapy for alcohol-related relationship problems, online or in person, and it isn’t limited to married couples.
Groups such as Al-Anon and SMART Recovery also run meetings for partners. Read more about how we support partners and families affected by alcohol.
For the person who drinks, Castle Health offers outpatient treatment in person at our clinics or online. Outpatient treatment means living at home and taking part in scheduled sessions.
If someone needs inpatient care, our centres are Castle Craig in Scotland and Smarmore Castle in Ireland. A GP can also advise on detox and make referrals.
Someone who’s physically dependent on alcohol shouldn’t stop suddenly without medical supervision. Withdrawal can be life-threatening. Seizures, hallucinations, severe confusion and severe shaking need urgent medical help.
What does support look like for partners?
How alcoholism in marriage affects the whole family
Alcoholism in marriage rarely stays between two people. Alcohol Change UK says harmful drinking can cause health problems, financial worries, relationship breakdown and parenting difficulties for families.
Children can sense the tension before anyone explains it. Some start taking on roles, such as keeping the peace or looking after a parent. How children are affected by a parent’s drinking varies from child to child.
Other relatives, such as parents and adult children, feel the strain from a distance. They worry, and they can feel caught between the two people in the marriage. Some believe only the person who drinks needs support, so they may not look for any themselves.
The charity, Nacoa, supports people affected by a parent’s drinking, adults included.
- 20 Of UK adults in one survey said someone else’s drinking had harmed them in the past year (source: Beynon et al., BMJ Open, 2019).
We’ve helped many people turn their lives around
Frequently asked questions about alcoholism and marriage
What are the best support groups for spouses of people with alcohol dependence in the UK?
Al-Anon UK is for anyone affected by someone else’s drinking, spouses included. It has about 700 groups across the UK and Ireland. Meetings are free, in person and online. The helpline is open every day, on 0800 0086 811 (free in the UK) or 01 873 2699 (Ireland). Another option is SMART Recovery Family & Friends. It uses tools from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to help you find new ways to deal with the challenges and emotions that come with someone else’s drinking.
Does alcohol dependence always lead to a sexless marriage?
No. Sexual difficulties are common with alcohol dependence, but they don’t happen to everyone. In a clinic study in central India, about four in 10 men with dependence had sexual dysfunction. A review of seven studies found that women who drink have a higher risk of sexual dysfunction too. Couples can also lose intimacy through stress and resentment, with or without alcohol.
What is functional alcoholism and how does it affect a marriage?
Functional alcoholism describes someone who keeps working and running a home while drinking a lot. It isn’t a medical diagnosis. Everything looks fine from the outside, so other people may see nothing wrong, and a partner can start to doubt what they see. With no lost job or crisis to make anyone act, the drinking can go on for years.
Can couples therapy help when one partner has alcohol dependence?
It can. Couples therapy looks at the marriage partnership and alcoholism together, with both partners meeting a trained therapist regularly. At Castle Health, it can take place at the same time as the person’s outpatient treatment. Alcohol Change UK points to Behavioural Couples Therapy as especially effective when drinking is putting severe stress on a relationship. Joint therapy suits couples who both want to take part, as long as it’s safe. If there’s violence, joint therapy isn’t the right starting point.
You don’t have to make any decisions today. When you want more detail, any of these is a good place to start.
- Explore our approach to alcohol treatment.
- Learn more about our Family Support Programme.
